12/10/2010 20:44

and im feeling good.

-no comment-

im afraid the sources are not yet enough to confirm what is going on.
but we think it is safe to presume that change is no longer imminent.
it has happened.

we dont need words

knowing that i wont ever be able to play this good put a tiny bummer on playing the sax....
some things just dont get nearly enough recognition.

fu, its how i want to live.

people say i have no direction, well true i dont know exactly which qualification i am aiming to get in two/three years time, but i do have some direction, north.
down the A1m, onto the M25 for bout 20 minutes and drive inwards.
or get the 10:20 am train terminating at kings cross,
either does it for me.
it will be my permanent direction. until it is my permanent residency.
and fuck you if you think im childish or stupid for wanting to pay more to live in one of my favourite places in the world, because there i'll be happy,
i'll be happy, sat at home waiting for my take out indian to arrive, blogging, listening to my odd taste in music.
and i'll be happy when suitably dunk at another cheap as chips gig for some unknown talented band.
and i'll be happy on the grass in hyde park with a book and the morning starbucks.
and i'll be happy walking around the new exhibits at the white cube on my lunch break,
all these things are free, so turns out i'll only need the money for rent.

maybe i have my head in clouds,
but how many more years can it stay up there?

Good Will Hunting

im not going to bother try and find the words to justify why,
just watch it.
watch it for the story,
watch it for the moral,
watch it for the acting,
watch it because it's a bloody good film.

roma, part II

just outside the city

the hall of maps, vatican museum

the tiber river

the pantheon

on an evening in roma. (well, three)

if this place isnt already on your 'to go' list, put it on now.
i mean now, go on, off you scoot, pen in hand, write it anywhere, on the wall in capital letters, on your arm in permanent.
because it will become one of those things you wont ever forget.
now obviously a place like this has a massive hype already,
and i figured as good as i might be it wont live up to rumours.
but the thing i saw in so many people there, with their maps, itineraries, some with a compass bless them, walking at a pace on the brink of running around frantically, is that they had planned every second of their time there, rushing from st pauls to castel sant angelo to the church de santa maria, and because they were so obsessed and absorbed in seeing the main places that they ended up missing the bits of rome that turn it from one massive archaeological/historical site, to this amazing city i would give a kidney to live in. things like the tiny art exhibits up a street, the cafes lining side roads serving some unbelievably good coffee, the surrounding parks filled with benches and people resting in the dappled light reading, or writing or listening to music, or just speaking to one another, the balconies high above you filled with exotic pot plants as a makeshift garden in the middle of all the rushing.
if you take the time to actually see the city of rome and dont divide it into which site to do first according to queue size then guaranteed, you will join me in loving every second.
i loved to be in a city where i could be sat outside a cafe with an iced tea and five minutes later be walking into some magnificent church with frescoes hundreds of years old lining the walls and massive marble columns leading up to a memorial decorated in different types of stone and gold and statues of whichever saint forgotten to the rest of the world that this place is dedicated so beautifully to.
(a selection of pictures to come)

it cuts the mustard

fluctuations

its funny how much like a rollarcoaster life actually is.
i know its said so often, and we all know its true...
but every time we go up and down we get balled over again.

and we never see it coming.
everytime we feel on top of the world,
it comes as a shock to be riding back down to earth again.

the only thing to try and make it easier on us
is to try and remember the ride we're on
it will keep going,
and soon enough we will be ontop of the world again.

00:02

the exact moment i saw a shooting star.
shit.

its said like 'mulberry'

no idea, no idea.

people ask me, 'so whats it like having freedom now?'

all im thinking about right now is how im cooped up watching recorded highlights of glastonbury

its funny, i keep confusing 'freedom' with 'lack of purpose'. and wishing i was there.

play the cards you're delt

i don't believe in fate or 'meant to be'
but the prospect of everything going down to chance
is not somewhat comforting.

who knows, maybe i'll be lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time and my life from there will be as close to perfection i can get,
or maybe my current luck will stick and i'll end up bitter and disappointed with life.

longing for simplicity again.

it seems these day we are incapable of not analysing everything.
and when you realise that, it becomes incredibly frustrating.
it almost feels like you are treading on eggshells, because as you say or do something you are acutely aware of how people might be seeing it, analysing it and trying to break it down and find a deeper meaning.

sinnner.

you only go to hell for taking a photo of an alter if the flash is on.

we have no idea.

tragic

it never dawned on me that i might need to actually think about where exactly i want to be in thirty years from now....

what got me thinking this time was a friend of my mums.
she has spent the twenty five odd years of her life from getting out of uni to now working her way up to the big money, very almost putting her life on hold to work.
well now, shes stopped working at forty six, and because she has spent so much time working that she can now afford to live life in luxury.
she has so much time, that she went to a uni book shop and bought several uni textbooks on psychology and has been studying it for a hobby.
shes gone on spontaneous holidays to fall in love,
she has acquired three or four new wardrobes,
she has redecorated her house with painting and sculptures, and big crystals
and countless books on art and theater, politics and economics.
if she has nothing to do one night, she will go to see whatever opera is on in covent garden.
this life of hers is heart achingly perfect.
but she had to give up almost a quarter of her life to get there.
what i have only just understood is that she had planned her life from the start of uni.
she had decided life would wait, she would gain the money in order to live lavishly.
at first i thought, well thats so stupid, why the hell give up life to live later on.
but it was a tactic none the less, and she stuck to it. and look at her now.

i know im too young to plan my entire life yet, but i cant help but think, weather i should think of some kind of tactic for my life,
because, and this is the thing that scares me... its one chance, for one big tactic like this one.

boom

do it.

watch the boat that rocked.
it's pretty much everything about this film that makes it amazing,
the thing for me is, apart from the music, the lifestyle it shows.

it has got to be the best way of living ever, well for me anyway.
i long to lounge around day after day, with nothing to do but talk and listen to music, and eat and drink.

to have such a level of no pressure that the outside world is something of a tragic myth that you needn't face. just live in your own little bubble, doing the things that interest you and nothing else.
which is why i dream of life on a boat,
or maybe i could make my own little island out of pebbles like on the advert...

in your face.

i dont need you guys to care,
because the universe cares.
HAHA.

seriously though, karma is doing some major piss up at the moment. and im not impressed. i know that means absolutely nothing to anyone else. and its not like im the victim, its the innocent civilians, doing nothing wrong...
but falling for someone
or ice skating with her friends
or trying to move up in the world.

groovy.

i think i fond another acting hero.
this time i was just amazed by the complete difference between the roles i've seen him in...
not once could i see through his acting. its so weird.
and that's what makes him so good in my eyes,
he manages to pull his roles off so well.
see for yourself:



^ Notting Hill, as Spike



^ The Boat That Rocked, as Gavin

ladies and gentleman, i give you, Rhys Ifans

like the dead

rising from their rotting graves.

its not like that.

the intellectuals

forget the sports people, the rich big shots.

it is the intellectuals that are taking over the world.

their mass appreciation and talent in the arts.

of course, these types are becoming rare,

and by most others are seen as snooty posers.

i want to live in paris, where you are pretty much forced into all the culture.

i would go to the galleries as much as i could afford, become a regular.

i find the old type of cameras, and make inspiring short films.

i would be content in my own little world.

in my small but tasteful apartment over looking the rest of the city.

i would spend the rest of my time in the parks,

wandering around, writing, drawing anything that would fill the time.

and then i would eat pastries and drink coffee in the classic little cafes.

diversions

are you kidding me?

im so tired of my life at this moment in time, everything is so infantile. its so sickening at times.
i really dont care if im trusted with things, its not like i ask anyone for permission...
how old do you have to be before you can finally do what you want?
i want my own apartment.
i want a job i care about.
i want to be able to go on spur of the moment trips.
i want to be acknowledged as a person, not a minor.


here's the thing,
i cant be immature and just have fun without being judged,
and i cant be independant without having to check its okay first.
so where the hell do i stand?

please.

talking about the future makes me realise how little i need, if i could just live in the city, with enough money left over for art exhibitions, concerts, books and clothes, oh and the occasional spur of the moment holiday trip, well that would just cut the mustard.

all i need is a a reasonably sized kitchen, toilet with a bath, a mattress on the floor, a balcony sized for two, a wall of shelving, an offensively loud sound system and a reliable Internet connection. oh and it needs to be in the city. preferably drury lane.

flushed?

you know your true emotions when something is said.

and there is no way of getting out of it, no quick or witty remarks to change the subject.
you just have to sit there, take it, and hope everyone forgets before more is said to the wrong people.
you know it, because you can feel every square centimeter of you skin flaming uncontrollably red.
and its a nanosecond of panic whilst you come to realise your not actually on fire.
you just have to wait for your blood vessels to return back down to their correct place.
it is the fastest that i have ever gone from temperate to roughly the temperature of the inside of a volcano.

the worst give away, because its unmistakeable and uncontrolable.


AND, i have no hair to hide under and try to cover up some of my beetroot coloured skin.

you there.

the one with the bright blue eyes.
i fail to understand how you seemed to constantly have so much happiness present on your face.
i dont know who you are
and i never will, but you taught me something
that i should be so much happier with my life, im so wrapped up in the things i dont have i forget to come out of my own little world and see whats in front of me.
simply by getting on the bus, just as you were, as happy as can be
talking to whoever sat near you, as if they were a friend you've known all your life
weather they were old or a baby toddler
it was just one human talking to another, simple as
and when you were on your own
you looked outside the window as if completely captivated by the world that was passing you by.

you looked like happiness personified.
i wonder how many people noticed that bright liveliness in your eyes.
most would just fix on your wheelchair, or all the scratches and cuts.

all this in just a few glances.

permenant horoscope

"approach love and cooking with reckless abandon."

the best adivce i have ever had, im going to follow it.

boom.

everything is so bloody irrelevant,
it made me laugh all the way home.

monument

it seems impossible that something made to make life a bit more logical can become the most complicated bloody thing in the world.

that was the best moment, 1/2 after leaving the cathedrals site, travailing around, feet hurting more "nahhh im sure this time", getting up to the surface again. you look around to get your bearings, and noticing a little gold spindle thing, on top of a too-familiar large dome.
"its a cathedral"
"no, its the cathedral"
"oh"
it was just a 'you have to laugh cos its so ridiculously stupid' moment.
even though we probably looked like scary, out of control londoners that were on crack or something equally damaging to the poor unsuspecting tourists.


i want more moments like this in my life, and less trailing around, tired and wondering why the hell you're not doing something else.

but

you are not alone in this,
as brothers we will stand and hold your hand.

just a little news flash for those interested.
those of you out there, hope you know i kid you not.

mumford & sons, how could anyone become bored of you?

and also, im emma, and i guess i could choose to be embarrassed or just accept the person i know i am. and just know that at least im not the someone that has changed to fit in.
im off to light my many candles, think things through.

DONT

piss off the universe,

because the universe will slap you.
karma.

absolutely stunning

its funny how i was having an unsettlingly intellectual conversation about humanity's obsession with perfection, then mere hours later we stumble upon it. just to let you know, it comes in the form of a deep voiced, cutest laughing, southend skating, guitar playing, tongue clicking, hair flipping, fashion styling, skilled acting, rome photographing, hard rocking, effortlessly perfect guy. the definition of wick. fuck yeah.

from the outside looking in.

and the thought of doing this for my entire life, its just the cat's cream.

i could go on...
the respect i have for these actors come from their skill. how well they created meaning and emotion, how they told their story.
not from their looks, nor their fame. for when those are the reasons, it isnt respect, its simple admiration.

please

romance is not dead.

people are just shit at recognising it.

give it time. grow up more before you start expecting exploding fireworks and nights spent looking up at the stars from love you found in just an instance.

pull it off.

im really tired of peoples judgement holding everyones stlyle back. not doing or wearing something because of what people might think of it is a crap reason for holding back. i think if more people didnt cripple under the idea of being judged everyone would be so much more interesting. someones style should be what they choose, not modeled on what everyone else wears or anyone elses hair or makeup or whatever. because that isnt someones style, that is just as simple as one pattern, cloned from one person to another. and what is interesting about that? so if you have a big faux fur coat or some ripped up tights or spiky earrings or huge shoulder pads or a studded leather jacket looking amazing at the back of your wardrobe put them on, set your own style. and if your gagging to change your look, get a completely different hair cut or add or take away from your makeup then do it, because by setting your own style and image you start feeling so much better about yourself. dont worry about others judging you, if you get the courage to step out from the main stream line and be seen in a crowd there are more people then you think that would really admire and respect your individuality, giving us some real style amongst the pj looking 'designer' hoodies and leggings that show your ass hanging out.

its the damdest thing...

you will only do something if you really want to do and i have never known anyone influence you into doing something you dont want to do.
i know you dont do stupid things because you think it gets you closer to the kind of person you think people want to see.
because you dont try to change yourself into someone you think others are more likely to accept.
someone has the nerve to tell you to give up because you're not what the industry is looking for and you go out there and make it work.
and it worked, look at you now.
finaly people have started to realise that people like you are way more interesting then some clone that is ready to be altered and changed into someone else.
you know exactly who you are, and you know that its 100% you, no one else.
i just have a shit load of respect for you.

and if other people reading this think that maybe they are like that... then good for you guys. you immense, different crazy fools are what is going to make anything in this life interesting.